The Ten Commandments Of The Jerk Patrol

10. Thou shalt always bob thy head in greeting and not speak a word or mumble incoherently
9. Thou shalt always be referred to by thy respective special names or accent ("he" LOL)
8. Thou shalt always go out and do weird stuff together
7. Thou shalt always bicker and quarrel in a manner that evokes laughter from the spectators
6. Thou shalt always serve as a cause for hilarity whenever required
5. Thou shalt always appeal to The Other One at some point of time
4. Thou shalt always be talked about by thy peers
3. Thou shalt always be good looking in thy respective ways
2. Thou shalt always remain good hearted despite thy jerkness
1. Thou shalt always remain in memories till the end of time

An Evening In Paris

Actually I would like an eternity. Well, I'm done with my French exam but I'm not done with France. Everytime I sit down to study with my French textbook, I flip to the documents at the back and look at the pictures and fantasise. It's like I know the whole city by heart now just by the help of a book. Paris, the City of Lights and unofficially the City of Love. Yes, you mention Paris and you have visions of the Eiffel Tower with the French national anthem playing in the background or more recently, the Pont Neuf while one can hear in the background : Kaise samjhau tumhe mera pehla pehla pyaar hai yeh, woaah...Aankhon mein aitbaar hai ye woaah. I've always wanted to visit Paris and I will someday, when I'm all grown up and have loads of money. Yeah, me and my beau (peep?) and we'll plan a summer holiday. After all, en ete l'etrangers sont nombreux a Paris!
If I were French, I would have liked to be named Madeleine. Yes, its inspired by the cartoon. Wouldn't you like people to say "She's Madeleine, She's Madeleine", have a dog named Genevieve and live in a old house in Paris, covered with vines? Well, presently a luxury hotel would do. We'd get into a taxi and say "L'hotel du Palais Royal, s'il vous plait" Ok, so I don't know any other hotel but this one is centrally placed near all the monuments so it would be convenient.......and expensive. And before we arrive I would like to pay a visit to the church of my French namesake. L'eglise de Madeleine doesn't look like a Renaissance style church to me. It's architechture is more Doric like the ones you would get in Greece or Rome. Finally we arrive and I get my purse out to pay and say "Pourboire compris". "Merci, madame" says the taxi driver and drives off.
The Palais Royal is also walking distance from the Le Theatre Francais. We'll go down there in the evening. I do know enough French by know to understand atleast a little bit of the plays. I've always wanted to go to the Opera. We'll be dressed all fancy and see plays like Hippachi, The Sad Clown or Carmen, which I am dying to see! Meanwhile in the afternoon, our first stop is the Louvre. Wouldn't it be so cool if we walk in and music starts playing somewhere and you hear Nat King Cole's voice, "Mona - Lisa..........Mona - Lisa.............."
Avez vous de faim? Mais oui!! Allons nous au cafe. I heard people in France indulge in a lot of PDA. So the most I would be doing is holding hands. We choose a nice roadside cafe and sit down. "Garcon! La carte, s'il vous plait" and then I look into the eyes of my garcon. Those eyes............Anyway our food has arrived. French bread and camembert cheese. Lovely isn't it? We eat peacefully while Paris goes by. You know, there's more to France than just Paris. I heard Nice is nice. But I don't really know what is so nice about Nice but I bet it will be nice to visit Nice and when we do, it better be nice! The mountains of Provence and the ports of Brittany. I don't think we can do much in Champagne, I mean my tongue is naturally alergic to all things alcoholic. And the spoils of the Franco - Prussian war - Alsace and Lorraine. You can't miss beautiful and picturesque Cannes and you don't have to be Aishwarya Rai either. I think Biarritz is near the sea assuming that la plage is a beach. And I simply have to visit Castelfranc. Its gorgeous!! Maybe I'll get to see what a French chateau is like. And I have to see what exactly it is in Dijon that Hermione and Hagrid love so much and I will try some of that bouillablaise please. Now we have to tip the waiter too. They take 10-12%, the taxi drivers take 15%, the usherettes and the waitresses likewise. What to they take pourboire for? Pour boire? Honestly, people in Paris drink a lot! Meat with red wine, fish with white wine...........they drink so much wine!
We'll keep a day aside for une promenade. Yeah, start by entering the garden of Tuileries. We'll take a lot of pictures. You know, when I was little I thought that there was only one Victory Arch in Paris, but actually there are two. Du Carroussel is the one with the horses on top and De L' Etoile is the one which Napoleon started to commemorate some victory of his. So its only fitting to have some unknown World War I hero put to rest here. I think the Obelisque is one of Cleopatra's two needles. The other is in Washington by the Potomac river. I dislike Cleopatra very much. She made Marc Antony look like some foolish lackey! I won't have anyone treating him like that! And I would go on and on till my terribly patient, but now impatient partner shuts me up. Walking down Champs Elysees would be pretty romantic, don't you think? I heard this is where the Bastille Day Parade takes place. I hope to see it during our holiday and also Mardi Gras, whatever that is. I think its a huge public masquerade party with lots of costumes and glitter (I just found out it means "Fat Tuesday"!)
People would now classify the Eiffel Tower as one of romance's biggest cliches (poor Tom Cruise) but still it would be quite something to be on the third floor wouldn't it? Having a bird's eye view of Paris and assured that even if you fall from there, the man next to you would do anything in the world to save you (not that we're going to try it) What's a visit to France without French fries? I'm sure you get some on the third floor restaurant. And does anyone know where I can see a Savate match? It's French boxing. The Sacre Coeur of Montemarte has very interesting architechture. It looks to me like a fusion of Persian and European work. The French Pantheon is sadly a hall of fame of people and not gods like the one in Rome (darn!) but that won't stop me from visiting it. Why would they call the tomb of Napoleon Les Invalides? Beats me, but can you believe that he was scared of cats?
We have to spend a Sunday in Paris beacause we have to see Le Marche aux fleurs and he better have enough sense to buy me some flowers! Here we see the Notre Dame. It literally means Our lady. You know churches have that kind of names : Our Lady of the Lourdes....etc. Notre Dame has a funny structure. It kind of looks like a toy building block to me but I really wouldn't fancy my lifeless body to be displayed to the plebians from atop the bell tower while Quasimodo shouts "Sanctuary!!!" The Hunchback Of Notre Dame is quite a moving story. Esmeralda was a dimwit, Don was a lech, Quasimodo was a poor sweetheart, Phoebus was a jerk and Pierre was........Pierre (There are a lot of Pierres in France!) We had a lesson in school called "Fashion Mahanagar Paris" by Kanhayalal Nandan and our Hindi Teacher who has been to Paris told us that beggars gere have a very novel way of begging. They rather earn money for the talent they display than just accept charity. Maybe we could earn some too a la Mr. Bean (hee hee) She also said that the policemen in Paris are very helpful and very hot! So I'd go upto one and say,
Pardon monsieur l'agent, la place de la Concorde, s'il vous plait?
Prenez le metro. Vous avez une station a 100 metres d'ici, droit devant vous. Cite.
Merci Monsieur
Ok so it's a complete ripoff from the French text but hey that's the whole point of learning isn't it? I can even say a rhyme in French now : Savez vous planter les choux? (Do you know how to plant cabbages?)
Now stuff left to do : go to a fancy French restaurant with fancy name like Chez le Martin or something like that but I'm going to be pretty wary of the menu. They eat some strange food there. I may be an exotic eater but there is no way I'm eating escargots! Yuck! I'll just stick with a safe bifteck frites and how about some chocolat sorbet? Next we have to go to the Luxembourg garden where they will play the Hungarian Rhapsody. I just hope I'm not too old for the puppet theatre or playing in the pond! And........I'm not leaving without seeing Moulin Rouge - the only place you will love and be loved in return.......
Well, I don't smoke and I don't have a dog so I 'm fit to enter the post office. You have to send postcards right? Like :
Dear Ramu, wish you were here
Wait, you can't because you are a dog
And don't forget the Seine River cruise! I'm going to take pictures of us taken on each and every one of the thirty bridges of Pont Neuf
Well, time to leave. Now wasn't that a Tour De France?

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Tell me that I'm the fairest of them all
You know, I used to be real fair but now I'm all sunburnt. My arms are fair towards the shoulders but gradually darken as you move downwards but my palms and the underskin upto my elbows are the remnants of my natural colour. It's strange I tell you, my hands are almost variegated! My heels are also the last vestiges of my once upon a time fairness. My parents still remnicise about how white I was when I was born. I mean, I'm still fairer than my parents now but someday when I grow up and have lots and lots of money, I will go in for tan reduction treatment and THEN I 'll show you my true colours!!! (hee hee)
The natural kind of attraction acting on me is now nearing my ICSE percentage which is not good. I've gotta do something about it. I'm waiting for my aunt to come. Man, she'a fitness freak and she's very pretty. I'm hoping she could do something for me. She told me that I have a very pretty and sweet face (aww thank you!), I just need to work to bring it out.
You know, it's not that I haven't realised this before. I look into the mirror and if I photoshop my face in my mind, I really can see that I have a sweet face. Sometimes the trick is a strategic light source and a reflecting surface and your face can look like something out of a painting or a fashion magazine. It works best when your light source and preferably translucent reflecting surface are parallel to each other. In my father's house in Bangalore, the light rays from the window and the surface of the door are in the same plane, so that way the details of your face are not hidden much by the light. The door was brown and if I go up close to it, I can see my face but it's not really my face, it's like as if somebody did those smear paintings with oil of my profile against a brown background. It's really fascinating you know. Sometimes its an advantage to have two translucent surfaces, their planes perpendicular to each other. Take my book case and my window for example. And its very important that the light to be diffused otherwise the image looks just plain.......well, plain. The laundry hung outside to dry does the trick. In the window pane, you see your face in its complete purity and I'll admit my eyes looked a lot like a .......geisha's! But in the book case, you see a girl with her face half-hidden in the shadows and the other half turning towards the light, in a very enigmatic pose (ya, I do this in my spare time) Another method is to have your glass directly under a tubelight. Yes, it's not a diffused source but if the region beyond your glass is dark then you really have something here. So at 11:30 in the night, I like to stand in front of my glass balcony door and look at myself, imprinted on a dark canvas with light falling only on my face from somewhere above and my eyes really look good!
I would like to take this opprtunity to say how much I love Dove Shampoo! Its perfect! The only product which actually gives you the same results as the show in the ad. The quality of my hair's definitely improved and Harmeet told me you can make it softer my smoothing your hair out while shampooing. I'll have to say it works! Thanks, Aloo Gobi (hee hee) I always thought my hair was a slightly crappy version of Katrina Kaif's. My natural hairstyle is lot like her's in Namaste London minus the bangs. She is, after all, my identical hair twin. Priyanka Chopra has a winning smile. Mine needs a dental surgeon. Aishwarya Rai does have pretty eyes. I was never one for eye-makeup. I think my eyes look nice just the way they are. I'm not much for perfumes either but I love the Amitabh Bachchan Vaishnavi gave me for my birthday (on her birthday...) It smells so grown up! Thanks Vaish! No matter just how famous Christian Dior is and how much my mother loves it, I don't think its anything special. But I like Charlie Sunshine though, it really smells like bottled sunshine.
Now, just about every girl I've met told me I have amazing nails (thank you mother for the genes) although The Other One doesn't like to admit it because she sees green. Apart from using them for self defence, I like to flaunt them and the only brand worthy of gracing my assets is Maybelline. I LOVE MAYBELLINE!!! It's the best cosmetic brand ever. Their Ultimate Wear is well..ultimate. They don't dry up for at least 5-6 yrs. Their Colorama didn't impress me that much but I'm willing to try their new Colorama in "Mild to Wild shades" Their lipsticks are..oh my God. Wet Shine and Wet Shine Diamonds rule! Although they don't make them anymore, I've got enough of them to keep me going for a couple of years now (my mother really indulges me in these matters). And their new Shine Seduction looks real tempting. I know its crazy but I've always wanted to be a Maybelline model. You know I would saunter on screen trying to sell their products and a voice behind whispers "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe its Maybelline" Back home, Lakme is a pretty good brand as well. I would vouch for their lip gloss. And I've got a face powder that's almost as old as me but its still great, I haven't got a rash as yet. My skin is very sensitive (very!) I can feel even the tiniest ant crawling up a place with a paucity of nerve endings. Their nailpolishes are good during Fashion Week. Sabyasachi Mukherjee has good shades but you need 2-3 coats for a finish but the Manish Malhotra I'm wearing right now looks good with just one coat and is convenient to apply at even 11:40 last night. Oh and their nail polish removers are the best. And believe me I use a lot of it. I'm not exactly very skilled in the usage of these products because I use them very rarely. I bet even a chimpanzee can apply lipstick more skillfully than me (ok I'm being harsh on myself) but I really need to enroll in "How To Put On Make Up" classes.
But what is the use of all this pancake mix? It's ultimately the inner beauty that matters. My mother almost yells at me for my lack of enthusiasm for cosmetics (except when its Maybelline) and dressing up. You don't even change your earrings!, she says. Well I'm pretty comfortable with my present ones, thank you. I've got a sizable designer jewellery wardrobe and a ridiculous amount of blue jewellery (I love blue). I'm more into silver, platinum and oxidised metal. I cannot stand gold unless its from D'Damas. No one can make magic with gold the way Italians can! (with proper accent) I use them for special occasions only so excuse me for not being like my 8 year old cousin for who has to carry a vanity purse and wear eyeliner and lipstick (orange, yuck!) and dress all meretriciously even if she's going out to the shop next door.
So this post look likes something I can give to a fashion magazine but all I want to say is that it's not wrong to dress up. It's only natural to want to look good. And it's everyone's right irrespective of how they really are. You really need to feel beautiful on the inside. So for all those girls out there like me........I just want to say that, go by what my aunt said :
You have a pretty face. You just need to work to bring it out

I'm beautiful,
I'm beautiful,
I'm beautiful,
It's true!